setidaknya aku mengerti bahwa kadangkala hati yang terdalam pun merasakan perih yang amat ketika realita begitu menusuk dan melukai.
this is what happen to me, yesterday. when goodbye meant nothing and farewell was just a simple ceremony with no memorable content, it hurts me much.
kerja kerasku selama 20 hari terakhir ternyata tidak berarti, or exactly, tidak dihargai! i feel too deeply regreting my coming in the last 20 days. ternyata hanya berakhir seperti ini. kalau begitu, kalau tau akan seperti ini, i won't listen to his order, command me to come until the new one is ready enough. see? the new one is ready to work and 'm ready to leave.
temans, pernahkah kalian berada di posisiku? bekerja keras namun mendapat feedback yang tak berarti atau malah tak ada? apa artinya semua ini temans? the only answer i know is keep silent and cry.. :'(
menulis semua yang tengah ku rasakan bukan berarti aku mengungkit-ungkit masalah dan diartikan sebagai "gag ikhlas"..
cuz writing here is helping me, release negative energy inside my body, my painful body..! so i do apology if my writing in this bloody hell blog isn't giving any positive intakes for you all.. this blog is my dearest friends, it consists of any positives negatives of me, in the mean time, it also shows me from the place where i hide, but i can't hide. not anymore.
i am still carefully editing every single posts in case people have different understanding and it could trigger unexpected perspective of me. ;)
disinilah temans, aku mencoba untuk tegar, menatap hidupku, yang terkadang seperti terlalu suram, dan dalam sekejap pun bisa terlihat begitu indah. i my self am not correctly seeing my internal side, but i do make friends, at least i'm trying to, with my mind, my heart and my physical existence on earth. by doing so, i expect to be SOMEONE.
perenungan menjadikan kita semakin dewasa. apalagi perenungan terhadap berbagai aral dalam hidup. but contemplation must be continued by doing SOMETHING. get up is the only answer!
aku yakin, mskpn sulit, sooner or later i have to adapt with reality. it's painful, yet no one will understand us as best as ourselves. so why waiting for help? help ourselves! aku harus membantu diriku sendiri, untuk bangkit, untuk menatap segala yang ada di depan mata, untuk menata ulang kepingan-kepingan hidupku.. sounds exaggerating rite? :P
here, i promise myself not to cry any longer! not to excuse myself for being stagnant! not to escape from any troubles of mine! and keep struggling for whatever reason, wherever and whenever as long as i have to struggle :))
now is saturday nite and i'm babbling too much,,
G'nite and be brave! ^_^ v
~entering new life, heading you challenge~
Malang, 21 Nov '09
22:04
contemplation part -whatever-
negative... binary...
this is sooooooo negative, being the opposite of positive, when i see that people backstab to each other. it's like circle of devil. chasing after. can't stop cos no satisfaction meets. and the best act is not to pay attention, i mean full attention, to it.
no words exactly repel the negative perspective to kill me. all along the way that i put my trust. too long so that i can't even see what's really going on.
it is very very negative in a simple point of view, instead of blaming others, still it's the opposite of supporting condition. ouch!
some say that i still have no clue on where will i focus on, where will i go for the next destination. no clear cut on my future prospectus..
it ain't negative if there's no positive. this is called binary opposition. and it's absolutely there, a lot of, to sign human's life in structural way. life is combination and it's just the way it is. so, it's commonly accepted person has two faces? i'd rather let the answer come by the time i already undergo oodles of negatives and positives.
this is sooooooooooo negative unless i have earlier preparation to protect myself from being destroyed. well, this unclear thought will remain in vain for everybody but me. cos i my self am the writer, the conseptor, the reader and the contemplator of all. :D
pity me... but don't ask me to give up.. ^_^
i need tons of CHANGES, please
is it what i'm heading for? of course it is! tomorrow's the final decision of the next change and i must be ready for it. "Go ahead, iqmy. don't listen to what people say but listen to your heart, to the whisper of your prays. cuz it might be the answer of your recent questions.."
God... i thank for the pouring of blessing into my life. it's peaceful to know that you are always in my heart, letting me stand on my ground, stare at the sky, but still mention your name in my breath. everything is almost perfect, ya Allah and nothing compares to my life now. people i love, blessing life, happiness inside and chaos of thought as well ;)
is it what i'm heading for? absolutely! no doubt of it as i'll get so much more to do by breaking the standardized "routine" surrounding me. aaarrrgggggggghhh, i hate it. i hate to say what i dun wanna say. living a life i just can't walk in its line carefully as if i'm the true rule breaker. but i'm not. i'm merely a part of hundreds of human kinds whose ideas are in sort of breakthrough ones.
it's quite difficult to be the "different", walk conversely toward the standardized way.
you know what, the correct & simple way to portray me : I NEED CHANGE!!!!
stagnancy will just kill me slowly but sure.. haha.. :D
and, unluckily, lotta people just envy me for being change lover. and i dare them for the sake of self-development. probably they just don't like to see me in the better way than now.
perhaps they will betray me just to see me fall into pieces, but smile at me when i look at their face. old tricks won't work to treat me wrong. yet i'm still crying when i know that even the one who i think don't have any problems with me, do stab me. cruel hah? it's unfair. but once more, this is life and faces are often covered by masks, usually to hide their own grieves. but i don't wanna talk more on their drawbacks, it wouldn't heal me much, even make me worse.
just let myself experience all kinds of negative energy surrounding, and then i can make up my mind to select what's good, what's not good.
all i know, in short, this change knows me best, cuz it always comes everytime i need.
at last, i still stand here (though after crying) and smile widely with no hurt feeling at atll to them, whom already make a negative life of the past time. ;)
dare them!!! then, prove!! ;))
