F*** you !!!

F*** you !!!
F*** you !!!
ahahahaha :D
bukan bermaksud untuk membuat blog ini sebagai wadah mengeluarkan uneg-uneg secara negatif, tapi, terkadang boleh juga lah dan rasanya legaaaaaaaa (lagipula kata2nya sudah disensor kok! :P)

sebenarnya hanya kekesalan demi kekesalan yang menumpuk, menyumbat dadaku. belum sempet teriak untuk mengeluarkannya, so i choose to shout in this blog and please understand me well, ok?

and i do love to sing Lily Allen's song, FUCK YOU for this song gives me freedom to say F*** you as much as i want, anytime (selama tetangga kamar gag protes) dan ternyata jadi legaaaaaaa. trust me it works! tapi, setelah berulang kali "mengungkapkan kekesalan", sebaiknya untuk selanjutnya kita menjadi seseorang yang positif. menjadi seseorang yang bisa mengambil silver lining dalam setiap kegelapan hidup. sekecil apapun kekesalan yang kita rasakan, mari dilihat positifnya. ketika kita terbebas dari energi negatif dan benar2 menjadi orang yang positif, kita gag perlu lagi menempelkan kata-kata "ajaib" ini di keyboard lappy or kompi kita kan??

PANTAS kah ??

aku mengerti apa yang dipahami hatiku; kesepian yang amat sangat. kerinduan akan kasih sayang bunda yang tak bisa digantikan jutaan kekasih semu.

iya, jutaan kekasih semu. kekasih semu memang membawa candu. ia hadir melalui kebiasaan kita mencintainya, mendambanya, memujanya. ia membiarkan kita terlana dan tidur bersama hangat peluknya, dalam malam-malam kelam yang terpekat dingin. ia "seolah" begitu memahami kita. ia "seolah" menggenggam tangan kita dan mengiringi setiap langkah kita.

tapi, ia hanyalah kekasih semu. yang ketika kita telah tergila-gila pada pesona kasihnya, ia pergi begitu saja, memudar bersama waktu.
dan ketika pintu hati kita sellau terbuka lebar untuk menanti kembalinya, kita hanya dihadapkan pada kekecewaan yang berulang-ulang, dan tanpa akhir. air mata tak henti-hentinya berontak dan ambil andil untuk memperkeruh suasana. kekasih semu yang membuatku candu lagi menyesatkan atmosfer kehidupanku, dari cerah menjadi kelabu.

jutaan kekasih semu datang pergi silih berganti mewarnai hidup kita, imajinasi kita. hari demi hari berlalu, dan kekasih semu pun satu per satu memudar. itulah cinta yang tak kekal, yang bermodal fisik, materi, dkk.

memiliki kekasih dan masih merasa teramat sepi, kemungkinan dia hanyalak kekasih semu. dan saat merasakan sepi itu, yang bersahabat hanyalah air mata dan rasa sepi itu sendiri, yang dari lawan menjadi kawan. lama-lama terbiasa pula bertemankan sepi sunyi, bahkan memujanya, seperti diriku. namun tak bisa dipungkiri, sepi tetaplah sepi, ia tetap mengambil wujudnya sebagai momok dari riuh duniawi, dan aku tetap bisa merasakan sisi negatifnya itu.
dan disinilah, aku merasakan sepi itu hampir membunuhku, meremukkan persendianku perlahan-lahan. saat seperti ini, aku begitu merindu Mama dan tulus kasih sayangnya. mungkin ada hikmahnya juga, aku jadi menyadari, tak ada kasih seindah kasih orang tua pada anak. love you Mom, Dad.. =)

aku tak takut lagi bila harus menjadikan kekasih semuku sebagai musuh bebuyutanku, dia yang membuatku menangis tiap malam. aku tak segan lagi mempertontonkan pergulatan batinku dengan pemujaan terhadapnya, pemujaan yang menyesatkan pemahamanku akan arti kebahagiaan.
dan pantaskah bila seseorang yang menjadi kekasih semu kita, yang sudah menghabiskan lebih dari sepertiga waktunya dalam sehari untuk DUNIANYA dan masih pikir-pikir kalau mau menghabiskan waktu untuk kita berkata : kamu tuh penghalang!!

i just wanna be happy, afterall ^^

formula of blessing life

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land, And on the strangest sea; Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

~Emily Dickinson~



a poem by emily dickinson above inspires me much and takes me to a new cubicle of point of view. in my recent circumstances, i find this poem helpful for it represents my belief of hope, hope that i hold firmly.

seeing the picture beside the poem, consisting of two words:

L.O.V.E
H.O.P.E

both are energizing. both are shining. they enlight life as though obstacles and problems are companions, not sort of foe anymore. and now, frankly speaking bout a thing named HOPE, is somehow scary, frightening. but it's crucial cuz life with no hope is life with no spirit inside. hope assists mankind to comprehend more about what they wanna do, what they wanna be, in the future. by having hope, human being is being distinguished by other creatures, who also live, but not live their life.

that's how i make myself different. i have HOPE. hope teaches me to be stronger and powerful. i put my hope deep inside my heart, my soul, to believe and i hold my hope firmly in my fist and run with it, run and run, accompanied by belief i have.

combination of love and hope + belief --> blessing life

Malang, 18 Dec '09
22:50

one big dream,, another big dream,,

i'm just a lil bit caught in the middle life is a maze and love is a riddle i don't know where to go can't do it alone i've tried and i don't know why

~ Lenka, The Show~

i don't know where to go. i don't know what to do. i can't figure out which path i have to pass through. so bad and so pity.
cuz another DILEMMA occured. another T-junction, or (perhaps) intersection of my life. i hate when i arrive at this spot but i'll face it no matter how. and no matter how i have to make up my mind, which path, the right way to go to my better future. there's no faster path, or instant way, cuz it needs process, the process to take the path, the time we need.

today, the last two days i've surprised by lotta surprises. in a sudden i found my sun again. and it's not exaggerating to say that i'm shining again. hehe :D
but those surprises a bit confusing me, not really a bit, but much much much confusing me. me with "now" life is of course need some reparation here and there. need to be fixed soon. but this GOOD NEWS of my future shocking me in a minute, then force me to think in another minute. contemplating again. :(

to draw my condition today, maybe like this:



i can merely stand and get confused more and more. but keep in silence is also having its own risk : being left by others who have move forward and dare to take chalenge. so move and move and move. make up my mind NOW.
ya Allah, ya Rabb, please guide me, show me the best way cuz You are The One who have power of me and all of Your Creatures.. i know You'll show me the best way i have to take.. and the blessing life for me.. amiin ^_^

i have been one step closer to my dream, but another big dream is waiting for me. i'm just worrying that this chance won't come twice. :(
and i just let it go away in a glance and make my self drowning deeper. such hard circumstance. i hope i can find light, by this midnight cuz this big dream won't wait me until tomorrow. oh gosh, i hate when i have to choose one of two or more. it's difficult. >.<

i love contemplating more right now.

(still) Malang, 15 Dec '09
21:42

M I S T A K E

this is Thursday, the 10th of December, 2009. thanks God for making me still alive, blessful, and beautiful (hhmmm...).

not much i want to tell lately cuz i myself have no more story to share, to contemplate. is it good, indeed? no more story? or is it as a sign that i'm already dead inside?

i want to heal old pains, wounds, caused by many negative energies around me. it almost works now. but i still can't find peaceful place to stop a while and take a deep breath, just to keep my heart beating longer. no more.

i made mistake, for i am only a mankind. not an angel. mistake is our everyday companion, rite? but really, for every single path i choose, i always mean it, always take it seriously. but this time, foolish deed ever in life. making up my mind for the sake of prestige, pride, etc. as already predicted, it takes temporarily. now i realize that this path today is no good, or at least, not appropriate for me. if i continue to go ahead, i'll find my self in trouble. not trouble of trouble, but trouble of chasing my dreams, building my imaginary world.
too high my writing for early morning, but it feels relieving to write it here, all feelings and doubts. even i sometime doubt myself. it doesnt mean i dont have good self-esteem. but it's just as an expression of confusion. oh God, this is what i need when i'm talking to You, clear mind and heart. please purify my mind, my heart.. release negative energy from my body and i want to inheale more positive energy through my breath into my body.

i want to fix them all.. deleting every path i've taken and making new path, the better one.

bismillah..........................................................

no one can stop our further step to move on. not being slowed down and motionless due to failure. stop complaining. first, contemplating much, then acting much too.

G'day all

this is Thursday and hopefully will be a wonderful Thursday...

(still) Malang, 10 Desember 2009
09:25