contemplation part -whatever-

setidaknya aku mengerti bahwa kadangkala hati yang terdalam pun merasakan perih yang amat ketika realita begitu menusuk dan melukai.
this is what happen to me, yesterday. when goodbye meant nothing and farewell was just a simple ceremony with no memorable content, it hurts me much.
kerja kerasku selama 20 hari terakhir ternyata tidak berarti, or exactly, tidak dihargai! i feel too deeply regreting my coming in the last 20 days. ternyata hanya berakhir seperti ini. kalau begitu, kalau tau akan seperti ini, i won't listen to his order, command me to come until the new one is ready enough. see? the new one is ready to work and 'm ready to leave.
temans, pernahkah kalian berada di posisiku? bekerja keras namun mendapat feedback yang tak berarti atau malah tak ada? apa artinya semua ini temans? the only answer i know is keep silent and cry.. :'(

menulis semua yang tengah ku rasakan bukan berarti aku mengungkit-ungkit masalah dan diartikan sebagai "gag ikhlas"..
cuz writing here is helping me, release negative energy inside my body, my painful body..! so i do apology if my writing in this bloody hell blog isn't giving any positive intakes for you all.. this blog is my dearest friends, it consists of any positives negatives of me, in the mean time, it also shows me from the place where i hide, but i can't hide. not anymore.

i am still carefully editing every single posts in case people have different understanding and it could trigger unexpected perspective of me. ;)

disinilah temans, aku mencoba untuk tegar, menatap hidupku, yang terkadang seperti terlalu suram, dan dalam sekejap pun bisa terlihat begitu indah. i my self am not correctly seeing my internal side, but i do make friends, at least i'm trying to, with my mind, my heart and my physical existence on earth. by doing so, i expect to be SOMEONE.

perenungan menjadikan kita semakin dewasa. apalagi perenungan terhadap berbagai aral dalam hidup. but contemplation must be continued by doing SOMETHING. get up is the only answer!

aku yakin, mskpn sulit, sooner or later i have to adapt with reality. it's painful, yet no one will understand us as best as ourselves. so why waiting for help? help ourselves! aku harus membantu diriku sendiri, untuk bangkit, untuk menatap segala yang ada di depan mata, untuk menata ulang kepingan-kepingan hidupku.. sounds exaggerating rite? :P

here, i promise myself not to cry any longer! not to excuse myself for being stagnant! not to escape from any troubles of mine! and keep struggling for whatever reason, wherever and whenever as long as i have to struggle :))

now is saturday nite and i'm babbling too much,,
G'nite and be brave! ^_^ v

~entering new life, heading you challenge~

Malang, 21 Nov '09
22:04

negative... binary...

this is sooooooo negative, being the opposite of positive, when i see that people backstab to each other. it's like circle of devil. chasing after. can't stop cos no satisfaction meets. and the best act is not to pay attention, i mean full attention, to it.
no words exactly repel the negative perspective to kill me. all along the way that i put my trust. too long so that i can't even see what's really going on.

it is very very negative in a simple point of view, instead of blaming others, still it's the opposite of supporting condition. ouch!

some say that i still have no clue on where will i focus on, where will i go for the next destination. no clear cut on my future prospectus..

it ain't negative if there's no positive. this is called binary opposition. and it's absolutely there, a lot of, to sign human's life in structural way. life is combination and it's just the way it is. so, it's commonly accepted person has two faces? i'd rather let the answer come by the time i already undergo oodles of negatives and positives.

this is sooooooooooo negative unless i have earlier preparation to protect myself from being destroyed. well, this unclear thought will remain in vain for everybody but me. cos i my self am the writer, the conseptor, the reader and the contemplator of all. :D

pity me... but don't ask me to give up.. ^_^

i need tons of CHANGES, please

is it what i'm heading for? of course it is! tomorrow's the final decision of the next change and i must be ready for it. "Go ahead, iqmy. don't listen to what people say but listen to your heart, to the whisper of your prays. cuz it might be the answer of your recent questions.."
God... i thank for the pouring of blessing into my life. it's peaceful to know that you are always in my heart, letting me stand on my ground, stare at the sky, but still mention your name in my breath. everything is almost perfect, ya Allah and nothing compares to my life now. people i love, blessing life, happiness inside and chaos of thought as well ;)
is it what i'm heading for? absolutely! no doubt of it as i'll get so much more to do by breaking the standardized "routine" surrounding me. aaarrrgggggggghhh, i hate it. i hate to say what i dun wanna say. living a life i just can't walk in its line carefully as if i'm the true rule breaker. but i'm not. i'm merely a part of hundreds of human kinds whose ideas are in sort of breakthrough ones.
it's quite difficult to be the "different", walk conversely toward the standardized way.

you know what, the correct & simple way to portray me : I NEED CHANGE!!!!
stagnancy will just kill me slowly but sure.. haha.. :D
and, unluckily, lotta people just envy me for being change lover. and i dare them for the sake of self-development. probably they just don't like to see me in the better way than now.
perhaps they will betray me just to see me fall into pieces, but smile at me when i look at their face. old tricks won't work to treat me wrong. yet i'm still crying when i know that even the one who i think don't have any problems with me, do stab me. cruel hah? it's unfair. but once more, this is life and faces are often covered by masks, usually to hide their own grieves. but i don't wanna talk more on their drawbacks, it wouldn't heal me much, even make me worse.

just let myself experience all kinds of negative energy surrounding, and then i can make up my mind to select what's good, what's not good.
all i know, in short, this change knows me best, cuz it always comes everytime i need.
at last, i still stand here (though after crying) and smile widely with no hurt feeling at atll to them, whom already make a negative life of the past time. ;)

dare them!!! then, prove!! ;))

i'm sorry if it's wrong for you.........................................

dan masih tentang air mata yang berisi ribuan sesal dan kenapa, yang masih membuatku terheran-heran.
terkadang seiring berjalan roda kehidupan, bersama berlalunya hari dan berbagai momen pahit manis, terjadi lah berbagai perubahan yang tak terelakkan. for one thing that constantly happen in life is the change itself. just hoping that the change will bring no negative impact thoroughly to my present life.
and hope is just blown by the breezing wind. gone away.
and this is the part where i still can't understand why.....

pernahkah qta membayangkan, seseorang yang dalam keseharian bisa disebut sebagai karib kita, cukup dekat dengan kita, ternyata menegatifkan pandangannya tentang kita hanya karena adanya PERUBAHAN. padahal perubahan itu pun tak membawa dampak negatif pada hidup siapapun, hanya perubahan biasa, come and go. ordinary pattern of life.
now i'm glassing myself.. look at myself.. in every single possibilities of hurting him/her (can't mention the gender)

aku pernah bertanya padanya, tentang banyak hal yang menarik minat kami berdua. kami pun membagi tawa. but now, it's shocking me enough to see the fact.
aku adalah seseorang yang selalu ingin maju, tidak stagnan, apakah salah jika aku memiliki kemauan untuk selalu berkembang?
i'm sorry if it's wrong for yo... so sorry...

tears

*********
ketika perubahan terjadi (secara) mendadak, kenapa akhirnya hanya keburukan-keburukanku saja yang terlihat jelas?
suatu pertanyaan yang sekarang terngiang-ngiang di kepalaku.
why? why?

tears... as always defined as sadness, and i do feel it now..
tears drop.. but not a physical drop, psychologically drop in the deepest part of my heart. i often questioned why do THEY just see my negative view when everything's not happening as they plan? it's me the one who is guilty for their unwillingness to accept reality. and it's me who have to pay all undemanded changes.
oh Gosh, this is life, i know.. it supposed to be easy for me to recognize all negative attacks in front of me.. and i have to make a great shelter to protect my self from a greater hollow.. sorrow..
these tears inside just show me that i'm only an ordinary being.. whatever, i need God to relieve this pain..
if i want, i'll hate everybody who backstabbing, gossiping, or talking negative 'bout me. i can mock them back, or backstab them back, but what for? it'll make no difference between me (the educated one) and them (the uneducated ones).
i don't wanna hate someone. cuz life of a hater is just the life of the pitiest creature on earth.. so, why hating? :)

tears.... please making friend with me...
please be cooperative and just drop when i'm already engaged to a firm principle of mine, to stand up and be tough!
:))

good bye.....

sebentar lagi akan berpisah dengan laptop n modem tercintaku...
take care ya laptop.. jangan rewel pake hang2 segala..
modem juga.. baik2 saja ya.. jangan suka DC gag jelas..

ok.. i'll miss you soooooooooooooooo much

FUCK*** tired

how can i just said to my parents that i'll leave my school, for the sake of trial n error?
i wanna cry.. my mind is overloading. it can't stop making some noise and i can't stand any longer.
God.. i know i've been too far away from you & it's wrong. forgive me.
now i messed up everything and ended into waste basket; money, time, energy....

you know what.......... i'm fuckin' tired..............

hard worker & workaholic

don't think of me as a hardworker, despite the fact that i do work hard (even force myself to do so) in last couple of weeks.

last night i had a relax chat with a friend of mine in facebook. just dropped by to say hi, indeed. and he started asking what i was doing and i told him that i was trying hard to finish my ass (red : assignment) and articles. but totally blank. and he adviced me :"you need to take a rest.. hey, this is saturday nite, just let your brain free, let your mind blank."
nice advice though. and i explained him that, big possibility i'll have no other free time to finish all for on Sundays, lotta things to do, have to teach almost a whole day.
then he simply said :"anak ini bener2 gendeng yoo...!!"

hahaha... not only him who said that i'm already crazy, mad, or any other synonymous. thanks God for giving me such friends, cuz they will always say what they have to say, and it would be a mirror to have reflection, to evaluate.

i think i have forced my self too much. working here & there. doing this & that. now i feel i start getting bored. my mind's exhausting & asking for some days off. Can i please my own mind??

there's difference between "hard worker" & "workaholic",
hard workers : working hard but know when they have to say STOP to themselves
workaholics : work.. work.. and work... no STOP!!!

i have no idea where do i belong to? the hard workers? the workaholics?

whatever.......... i need to take a rest on my Sunday, but unluckily, not this Sunday..

happy Sunday =)

ban motor dan keseriusan pasangan :)

kisah mengenai ban belakang motorku.
motor yang 3 tahun terakhir menjadi pacar setiaku di kota Malang tercinta. tak tergantikan dech fungsinya. malah aku yang suka sekali kelabakan kalo ada yg gag beres sm si grey (nama motorku).

dan penyakit yang sering kumat : ban bocor! :(


mengenai "penyakit" motorku yg satu ini, memang sepenuhnya salahku yang membelikan ban luar kualitas rendah. maaf grey. waktu itu sedang bokek akut. dan sampai skrg mesti lupa (atau dilupa2in) buat ganti sama ban yang bagus. alhasil, dalam sebulan terakhir bocor mpe 3x dan cukup menyusahkan. apalagi bocornya pas dipinjem sama tetangga, dan memaksa mereka untuk mendorong motorku sejauh beberapa kilo sampe ketemu tambal ban... gag enaknya diriku...

2x bocor lainnya (untungnya saja) saat aku yang pake.. saat pulang kerja dan pulang kuliah.

tapi... sebenarnya ada tips buat para cewek rider untuk mengetes keseriusan cowo kalian dengan bocornya ban motor kalian (ini buat yang lagi LDR!!).. here it is :

ketika mengalami ban motor bocor pada saat sendirian (tidak dengan sang kekasih), segera hubungi pacar kalian (via sms aja). dan lihat reaksinya.. jika :

1. cuman bales : "sabar sayang...... bla bla bla........................" --> dia sedang asik sama dunianya n gag peduli banget tuh sama masalah kita!!!!!

2. ditelpon n ditenangin.. kalo perlu selama tambal ban itu kalian diajakin ngobrol via phone atau kalo dia emang lagi sibuk setidaknya nelpon bentar buat tau keadaan kita--> he's seriously in love with you n wanna spend his time with you

i underwent this last nite.. ketika aku harus "kencan" sama mas tambal ban sepulang kuliah at 8 p.m, i sent an sms to my boy n he replied "sabar sayangku...", then i told him that i'm so hungry bla bla bla, he ONLY said : "sabar..." (again!!). then again i expressed what i feel while waiting my tires fixed, he didn't reply my sms. until i arrived at home, he didn't ask, at least, where i am, already at home or not.. no sms at all.. no worries from him as if i'm not a woman alone at nite with the flat tire n hungry stomach. no worry!! :(
cryin' a lil bit after realizing it.
but what for??

hope the tip will be useful for others.. :))
hidup perempuan perkasa!!!

MIRACLE

something i learnt just now :

God always see.. God always know.. so never worry on anything we have done our best at. it's natural to let everything flow smoothly, then just see the effect a few time later :)

that is a good point i learnt today through life process.

memulai aktivitas cuti kerja sehari dengan positive matters. definitely satisfied enough to know i've accomplished my missions :)
aku melanjutkan kegiatan hari ini dengan berangkat kuliah (which i was a bit lazy, admit that!). kuliah sore ini : teori sosiologi 2 (teori kritis & postmo). well, what the hell are they so i have to pay full attention?? perhaps merely to get good mark (admit this too!). i love learning new things, including sociology, but this course is shockingly awful for me. the chaos of thinking ruins my settled understanding of life and its friends. i should have to be an open minded girl. it will distinguish me in the childish version and me in the mature form ;)
see.....














around 2005.. innocent face











now... more mature (hope so!!!)





the "around 2005" me is absolutely the childish one.. afraid of changes.. have no courage to be different n try new challenge.
and the "now" me explicitly exhibits me in the mature way (hopefully.. *sigh*).
yet, i'm still afraid of something i don't recognize well, but this fear won't be great barrier for me.
DONE MY BEST & NEVER GIVE UP : cliche moto but works! and i just undergo another miracle just by practising those to my ordinary life in recent years.
MIRACLE.. yup miracle, it can be said like that.
miracle, here, not always mean something big & amazing. it could be as simple as my simple prayer to God. that's it. but it's more than enough.
keputusanku untuk resign is (no doubt) the righteous mistake :P. i write "RIGHTEOUS MISTAKE" for it is not fully CORRECT, cuz some still think this decision is WRONG, but i myself have the privilege to make up my mind n take control. then, the others will just say "okay, that's your life. just take care of it" [even my parents told so :( ].
so... the term righteous is to impress that i myself is the one and only who decide & take a single control over myself.
now, i find myself smiling in front of my lappy, grinning, not sobbing anymore, no sorrow, no longer desperate. all because of the MIRACLE. don't think of such big thing. this is just the answer to my doubt, my hesitation lately. and i finally am aware of God's power to show it, slowly but sure.
dan disinilah diriku mulai mencari tema untuk artikelku (well, not kinda big publishing, but amazingly i love it soooooooo much!! :)) )

the article's waitin' for me...... siiiyaaaahhh
nice days.. God bless you all ;))

balada (menjelang peresmian) seorang pengangguran terselubung

sebenarnya hari ini diriku belum resmi jadi "pengangguran terselubung" (kan sambil S2, jadi bukan bener2 pengangguran, mskpn nganggur :P).. but the feeling of being unemployment is already hanging and shouting out in my dearest mind. dan malas bekerja menjadi pemakluman.. haha.. alasan aja!!
so, aku harus berjuang untuk sesuatu hal dan it takes longer time. so, gimana kalo bolos kerja?????
niat untuk membolos kerja itu terbersit sejak hari sebelumnya (senin kemarin, sekarang selasa, just to inform). dimulai dengan percakapan ringan at lunch time dengan rekan kerja mengenai prosedur pembuatan suatu dokumen (bisa dibilang begitu) dan sudah jadi sangat lumrah kalo birokrasi di indonesia tuh mbyuleettt gag jelas.. haha.. maaf ya negaraku, this is true anyway. so i decided to take one day off, to finish that forkin' document in "easier" way, ehm ehm, not in a negative way. just find another alternative to solve my problem (aha??)
and here i am today, enjoying my off day, starting with stay late until early morning (for about 4a.m). but that was the positive one cuz i spent all nite long by googling.. googling.. and googling.. for the sake of what so called future..(wow!)
yeeeaahh... until finally i started yawning a lil bit and more, i just realize it was already 2.30 a.m and okay i think it's better to have "sahur" directly (besok mau puasa gitu guys.. bertobat.. kiamat sudah dekat.. :D)
after having sahur, i take subuh pray and it felt i was sleepy (at last! thanks God!). but this is me whom can't sleep long. jam 7 teng pun diriku sudah terbangun. membuka beberapa sms dan membalasnya. kemudian menelpon bos untuk ijin (excuse : gag enak badan --> fact : a bit unwell but still able to work :P)
setelah ngulet2 secukupnya, at 8 i got up n ready for today :)
dan berangkatlah diriku pagi ini untuk berurusan dengan birokrasi (yang ternyata di tempat alternatif ini begitu simpel dan hangat!!, tak seperti di tempat kerjaku - sebagai perbandingan aja).
kegiatan calon pengangguran inipun berlanjut ke bank.. stationary store dan ke photo studio.. tuh kan, meskipun ijin kerja, aku tetap sibuk, rite?? cuz i injected hyperactive serum into my body and this is me, can't stop doing something.
dan ketika selamat tiba di rumah, mulai terpikir bagiku untuk menajalani hari seprti apa di hari2 awal pengangguranku next week. serem tapi menantang..
here they are the to do list in my early unemployment days :

..going to Surabaya (ssssttttt....)
..going to campus to meet my beloved lecturers & legalizing documents (as always)
..going to post office to post the proposal of life
..starting to ask friends of mine (ya tentunya minta dikasih kerjaan or projek sana sini..)
..finishing my ass-ignment-hole yang makin deket gile sm hari H hand in.. (gini2.. aku anak kuliahan lho.. mskpn gag meyakinkan bgt)

see.... konsep pengangguran yang sharian hanya bermalas-malasan tidak berlaku buatku.. hey, aku memang belum resmi juga jadi penganggurannya.. let's see if there's (or there are) miracle (or miracles) along this week.. hope to see it.. *ngareepp*



this is me.. and the way i choose to life on.. ketika aku memutuskan mengambil langkah ini, pro kontra berdatangan. sempat bimbang. but i know that this supposed to be the best way i can be.. the best thing i can do.. so far..

p.s : buat para jobseeker, keep fighting and never surrender ^_^

it's okay to be not okay

and my tears just fall down...
and my heart just start envying..

it's ridiculous...
it's heartless to put off my fight with the jealousy
pliz.. this is not me!!
i want to be brave to say that i'm okay
but i finally give up by myself
staring down on my feet grounding on earth
and i'm totally not fine enough
but time by time teaches me : it is sometime okay to say that i'm not okay.. i'm a bit unwell.. to deliver our energy to our surroundings and let them in to our life to assist us... cuz it's absolutely alright to be unwell

so.. here i am.. feeling no good... n i admit it... hopefully i could fix it up..
the world will not laugh at me if i just reassure myself that i'm not okay.. n it would be just fine!!

Malang,
2 Nov 2009
15:15